When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
