I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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