Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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