Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You can't just leave with hair like that
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
