I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
