you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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