Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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