The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
zippers are such a cool invention
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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