I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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