Just fell off a train. Bad.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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