Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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