made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
