i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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