It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
