We named our party play list daddy issues
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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