Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
