I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize