I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
