What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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