Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
