I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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