I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
