I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You dont lie about slip and slides
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
