Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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