Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
