I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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