Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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