I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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