I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
