im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can I color on your dick again?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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