Can i not drive my cunt home
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
