i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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