I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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