I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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