Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
