I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
