Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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