I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
