Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
