Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize