Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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