I wish I could teleport
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
