Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need a burrito and a hug.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
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Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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