I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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