girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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