help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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