I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm like, not good at living.
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