I hate your face
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
