You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
