Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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