when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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