I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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