My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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