You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
