I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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