i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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